I kissed you at the apex of the maelstrom.

Moved.

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 08:18:57 GMT

Because I'm a nerd.

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 17:31:16 GMT

& It hasn't been spoiled for me yet.

Good luck to anyone else!
& I'm sorry for those who have had it ruined.

I can rant if I want to.

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 23:21:18 GMT

I don't give 2 shits about how you're reception was.
I didn't say shit I said now that we know we get it.
If you weren't so goddamned absorbed in this new set, etc. then what the fuck?
I don't need you telling me how you don't want to fight with me when I'm not trying to fight.
When I'm just stating how Lexa and I waited a good 3 hours for a response.

I think it's more rude to call back and say simply how you can't.
Rather than dicking around and hitting 'end' when I call, or nothing at all.
It's not going to kill us if you say no.

Oct.27th.1988

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 08:46:20 GMT

Inter-planetary aspects

The following aspects between planets concern the possible relationships between two charts: especially the emotional and romantic relationship, but also aspects on social, intellectual and spiritual levels.

-206 Square Moon - Venus

Negative aspect: They are attracted to one another, take pleasure in being together, but conflicts could arise because of suspected unfaithfulness or some basic lack of trust. When one is in a romantic mood, the other is in an intellectual mood.

196 Trine Sun - Moon

Positive aspect: This is likely to be a significant relationship. There is a strong feeling of belonging to one another, for better or for worse, that keeps the two together. It's an excellent aspect for a union: they are made to go well together, to understand, appreciate, love and complement each other.

176 Sextile Sun - Venus

Positive aspect: It's not only about love, it's about "like". It would be a good idea to schedule plenty of leisure time together, especially when other problems arise in the relationship, if only to remind each other how much they truly enjoy each other's company, tastes, and interests. They go well together, they love each other, and feel good, happy and radiant in each other's company. There is much attraction, especially on the part of the Venus person. They are capable of charming each other. Sometimes, they gloss over problems and conflicts just in order to keep the peace, which is not a good idea in the long run.

168 Trine Moon - Mercury

Positive aspect: Ideal aspect for a couple, as they will have lots of interests and projects in common, and they will understand each other well. There is a mental rapport that sometimes borders on the telepathic.

-149 Square Venus - Jupiter

Negative aspect: A life together that can be very challenging at times on an intellectual level. Intellectual misunderstandings, diametrically opposed tastes, different ideas.

133 Conjunction Sun - Pluto

Positive aspect: It's love-at-first-sight, the great passion: they will be drawn to each other like two magnets, they will always have to see and touch each other. Very good sexual understanding, typically very passionate. It must be said that this type of relationship may not last forever, it may not develop into a quiet and tender love. If they part, it is close to impossible to stay friends because of the constant reminder of the passion that once existed. It's all or nothing with them. If they part, one will suffer when the passion of the other dies, it will be a very difficult time to live through. However, if they stay together, there is strength to gain from each other.

-117 Square Sun - Jupiter

Negative aspect: While they get on well when they first meet, sharing the same ideas and tastes, with the years their ideas change and they do not develop in the same way. They will no longer understand each other and could split up because they no longer love each other, have nothing more in common.

-113 Opposition Sun - Mars

Negative aspect: Here is a couple which will have frequent disputes. Finding it impossible to speak calmly, they will always be aggressive towards each other. Conflict is caused because they both want to dominate the other. They cannot live on the basis of mutual understanding. The man is the type who lays down the law, gives orders, makes decisions and the woman is independent type, who cannot stand being limited, taking orders - the more so from her partner.

106 Trine Mercury - Jupiter

Positive aspect: An ideal couple, prosperous, happy, good intellectual understanding, great confidence in each other, a successful family life.

100 Trine Sun - Jupiter

Positive aspect: Here is a couple you like to be with. They are charming, agreeable and know how to entertain their friends generously and warmly. They go well together, and love each other in a discrete and sincere way, and appreciate the joys of life together.

-95 Square Mars - Neptune

Negative aspect: It's too easy for this relationship to end up becoming manipulative and frustrating. You may find that you have a hard time accomplishing much on a practical level when you are together, because you tend to enjoy spending leisure time together.

91 Trine Moon - Jupiter

Positive aspect: They go well together, understand and have confidence in each other, develop side-by-side in the same way, and will have many joint projects. They will have a happy family, where their children will grow up in a pleasing atmosphere.

76 Conjunction Saturn - Neptune

Positive aspect: Favorable union. Neptune brings dreams to Saturn, who lacks them, and Saturn brings common sense to Neptune, who is totally without it.

54 Sextile Mercury - Uranus

Positive aspect: No clouds in this couple's life. They have a good intellectual understanding, take pleasure in being together, in discussing and exchanging ideas.

53 Trine Mars - Neptune

Positive aspect: A difficult union that can succeed, but could involve some distancing and dishonesty. Be very careful to be honest with each other, as deceptions have a way of coming to the light and great disappointments are possible as a result.

38 Trine Venus - Neptune

Positive aspect: Favorable union, they have the same artistic tastes in common, their life will sometimes be full of fantasy.

Aww Derrick.

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 05:15:19 GMT

SkarrKrow19: In all reality, I've always had a thing for you and are one of the greater people I miss
SkarrKrow19: sorry if that came off as akward

Most of my enties are friends only.

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 07:47:56 GMT

Should I come public?

A return to basics.

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 08:08:03 GMT

A Fire Inside helps me let everything out. Smashing Pumpkins soothe me. Interpol breaks my heart. Rufus Wainwright gives me hope. The Cure makes me fall in love. The Police makes everything feel more pleasant. Pink Floyd is my favorite way to drift off to sleep. Ratatat makes everything just that much better.

I'm really fucking sick of everything.

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 04:39:10 GMT

You know what irritates me?
Every other thing I say having some kind of sarcastic or snide remark.
Being told to watch my tone. Being laughed at for a few certain things following it.

I probobly had more fun last night than I've had in a while.

[Keep your fuckshit drama out of my fucking journal. kthxbye.]

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 20:16:58 GMT

It's been since June 11th.
& I don't know why but I miss you everyday.
& I don't want you back right now, but I'm afraid it will be forever.
& I'm afraid I lost a boy who meant this much to me and I've lost a best friend.
& I feel stupid everytime I'm happy your acting the way you used to.
& I'm terrified for the day I know you start fucking around with other girls.

But I know I'm going to suck it up and still come see you this afternoon.
I know you don't read my journals, but sometimes you ought to.
I write you messages and emails and I don't think you've read a single one.

I can't tell it to your face because I'm afraid you're going to not talk to me ever again.

Every time I come over and hang out with you another silly little piece of me breaks and my heart breaks to be around you, and maybe it's for the best, It will hurt me enough to know it won't ever happen again, and I can move on with my life, but, I don't want it to.

But why'd you have to break all my heart
Couldn't you have saved a little bit of it?
Why'd you have to break all my heart?
Couldn't you have saved a minor part?

I could have clipped and saved and planted in the garden
Damn you guess I'll have to get a new one

I'd love to sit and watch you drink
With the reins to the world, gripping a smoke
Vaguely missing link
Don't ever change you hungry little bashful hound
I got the sheep, poor little Bo Peep
Has lost and filed for grounds.

Too much.

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 08:35:08 GMT

What part of no don't you understand?
I want a man not a boy who thinks he can,
Boy who thinks he can.

April Fools

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 08:19:04 GMT

Oh what a shame that your pockets did bleed on st. valentine's
And you sat in a chair
Thinking "boy i'm such a prince!"
Well, life's a train that goes from february on
Day by day
But it's making a stop on april first

And you will believe in love
And all that it's supposed to be
But just until the fish start to smell
And you're struck down by a hammer

Sure, you were swift
When the handsome greek boys dropped by with gifts
You are suave
Thanks to ribbons that open sesame
But in the stars and closer to home, in every planet
It ain't hard for me and dear jo jo to see

So let it all go by
Looking at the sky
Wondering if there's clouds and stuff in hell

hahaha omfg.

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 16:54:22 GMT

Rufus Wainwright:

Top listeners on last.fm: Lyddie92, itastegod, frozent, pr0lepsis, cocainepeaches

So I was talking to Alexa....

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 23:56:26 GMT

& it hit me like a ton of bricks! I swear to God.

anatomicalhearts: if i could look like a musician it would be her lolzzzzzz
anatomicalhearts: she's from moscow i think?
Nicki 37mm: haha i'd be rufus.
Nicki 37mm: i'd also be gay.
anatomicalhearts: but like raised in the states
Nicki 37mm: and a man.
anatomicalhearts: and i'd be regina, and i'd try and have sex with you to make pretty piano playing babies
Nicki 37mm: lol
Nicki 37mm: XD
Nicki 37mm: I really do feel like a gay mannnnn toooo muchhhhhhh =[
Nicki 37mm: i dont love like a lady
Nicki 37mm: i want to grow up and travel all the time
Nicki 37mm: and live in the cities
Nicki 37mm: and fall in love so many times
Nicki 37mm: i dont want a permanent love for a long long time
anatomicalhearts: do it up!
Nicki 37mm: ill keep journals on it
Nicki 37mm: and start doing like art hand journals as a hobby
Nicki 37mm: and basically scrapbooking my experiences with photographs, and small things with stories ill never tell, just keep in my memory
Nicki 37mm: and this is seriously what i want to do with myself
Nicki 37mm: and idk, ill just pass them onto my children
Nicki 37mm: and tell them stories if they ask
Nicki 37mm: so the book itself just becomes a memory of me
Nicki 37mm: hahahahaa i mean i dont even care if its stupid on this, i want to just, live my life
Nicki 37mm: every day
Nicki 37mm: so badly
Nicki 37mm: i still want to work in an agency
Nicki 37mm: but that really shouldnt be a problem
Nicki 37mm: maybe if i can be good enough
Nicki 37mm: to be a freelance artist
Nicki 37mm: and ill live in a bohemian lifestyle, where i only make the money when i need it
Nicki 37mm: and the money i make when i make tooonnnns on the friggen freelance services cuz they're paid more
Nicki 37mm: ill just throw into traveling
Nicki 37mm: and sdhsflkdfhldkjh
anatomicalhearts: and cigarettes!
Nicki 37mm: lol
Nicki 37mm: and booze
Nicki 37mm: but yeah
Nicki 37mm: im not gonna lie i'd probobly fuck around with drugs, but i dont care, because we only live once
anatomicalhearts: ehh i just want to be a club legend!
Nicki 37mm: do it!
Nicki 37mm: god i really dont want to settle down
Nicki 37mm: and live practically
Nicki 37mm: thats really not me
Nicki 37mm: idk what the fuck i was thinking everytime i get in highschool relationships
Nicki 37mm: because there's so many places ive wanted to visit
Nicki 37mm: so many things i've wanted to experience
Nicki 37mm: people to meet
anatomicalhearts: exactly!
anatomicalhearts: and like... that's why it's hard with dennis for me right now
Nicki 37mm: and im never going to be happy if i live the way i'd planned with shane
Nicki 37mm: and daniel
Nicki 37mm: and etc.
anatomicalhearts: because he went through this
anatomicalhearts: and like he moves to seattle on a whim
anatomicalhearts: and did x
anatomicalhearts: and messed around with drugs
anatomicalhearts: and sex
anatomicalhearts: and like met lots of people
anatomicalhearts: and he doesnt understand me wanting to do all this
anatomicalhearts: because he's already done it
Nicki 37mm: im not going to settle until im damn ready to settle.
anatomicalhearts: and dksghsgsjfgh
Nicki 37mm: oh wow, yeah
anatomicalhearts: it's my turn!
Nicki 37mm: yea
Nicki 37mm: i want to live!!!!
Nicki 37mm: srsly!
Nicki 37mm: 'people who just want to spend their entire lives
anatomicalhearts: thats the only problem with the age thing mostly
Nicki 37mm: in some part of the country
Nicki 37mm: or suburbia
Nicki 37mm: and just have kids
anatomicalhearts: bleh
Nicki 37mm: and do nothing but raise a family
Nicki 37mm: its sweet
Nicki 37mm: but it's
Nicki 37mm: disgusting
Nicki 37mm: i think i'd kill myself by the age of 30
Nicki 37mm: not necessarily like suicide
Nicki 37mm: but i'd do so many stupid things to get the hell out of it
Nicki 37mm: brb i need to smokeee a cigarette
anatomicalhearts: k
Nicki 37mm: =]
anatomicalhearts: wtf i hope tj doesnt ditch usszzzz
Nicki 37mm: me toooo
Nicki 37mm: i dont want to be comfortable for the rest of my life
Nicki 37mm: the more i thnk on it
Nicki 37mm: i really want tobe free
Nicki 37mm: maybe i do have the 'heart of an artist' im just too scared to use it
Nicki 37mm: but i want to
Nicki 37mm: i dont want to stop until i burn out
Nicki 37mm: not like deadbeat burn out
Nicki 37mm: but like, yea
Nicki 37mm: i hate schedules i dont like following time
Nicki 37mm: i hate it, all of it, and i hate routine and i dont want to be a creature of habbit
Nicki 37mm: i like messes, i like chaos, i love living out of a suitcase when i travel
Nicki 37mm: i hate making plansnssssss

Pre-sleep meditation.

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 07:58:08 GMT

I've taken to turning every light off, despite that I'm afraid of the dark.
& Laying in the dark, listening to Rufus Wainwright.

I think, and basically clear out my head of everything.
I'm not going to lie, it's a pretty beautiful feeling.

I feel like I'm not ready to move on, but I am.

It's 4 am and time for my meditation period.
Goodnight.

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 15:22:10 GMT

My phone's on vibrate for you
Electroclash is karaoke to
I tried to dance to Britney Spears
I guess I'm getting on in years

My phone's on vibrate for you
God knows what all these new drugs do
I guess to have no more fears
But still I always end up in tears

My phone's on vibrate for you
But still I never ever feel from you
Pinocchio's now a boy who wants to turn
Back into a toy
So call me, call me in the morning
Call me in the night, so call me
Call me anytime you like
My phone's on vibrate for you, for you

I think I jinxed the Chris thing.

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 02:39:54 GMT

He didn't answer today either, I feel a little crazy if I keep calling.
So, I'm quitting again for the night. He's prolly maccin'.

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 19:58:58 GMT

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 14:09:27 GMT

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 10:23:12 GMT

Watching my first Rufus Wainwright videos, I realise, he's a pretty funny guy.

I'll call after a few good deep breaths.

Another year further from youth.

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 06:11:21 GMT

Today.

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 14:23:13 GMT

Concentrate on getting whatever jobs you are working on finished. You have the drive, stamina and wherewithal to make things happen. Don't waste too much time worrying about a personal issue that will pass if you just leave it alone.

I hope it's the right personal issue.
I feel like I still need about 100 hours of sleep. I go to work in an hour. =[ Lame. I look like I haven't slept all night do to the emotional issues at hand and the crying I did while I was dealing with them.

I'm going to try about 10 more minutes. Then get my shit together and get up, ready, and run.

I can't move my toe. It's swollen. It feels weird. It feels like it's just locked in position, and I'm really trying very hard to move it like maybe it will slide back into place, etc.

I can barely put pressure on the front of my foot.

I tried to call Shane to tell him what it's at right now because he said I could call him and ask what he thinks to do in the morning. I really hate how there's just some things I'm that scared to independently do, I think I've asked Shane's opinion on anything medical, since, forever.

Work is going to be terrible this week on this toe. Work is going to be terrible this week period.
All the constant drama that goes on in that place. I don't even want to hear about what they really think of me. Helen seems to be the ony one who likes me, and everybody hates Helen.

----

I don't think I'm going to sleep that few extra minutes. I really need to get ready.

These next few days are going to be so long.

I'm not sure I want to see anyone.

I've made more than my normal effort to contact TJ. I'm letting it go. Whatever.
He'll either come around, or he won't.

-------

Shane told me to keep going to clubs, etc. & That if I stop he's going to be more upset. It was a punch in the gut he said, when he read about everything, and he said he should have listened to me every time I tried to tell him so he could hear it from me, rather than pushing it away, he also said he should have accepted what I was saying about being on a break when I first brought it up, rather than me trying, again, and again, and again, to make things clear.

It's been hard on us both.
He had a guys night with some beer and Ioannis and some guy.
I don't know if it is a good, or a bad thing.

I'm not going to let myself cry over this kind of thing.
It's not easy, but I'm not going to let myself cry.

I think Shane needs a good cry and a good night's sleep.
It will probobly be a few drunken nights before that comes out of him.

9 years later.

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 22:44:39 GMT

Still a babe.

H0-man!

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 21:27:40 GMT

What a babe!

Today.

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 00:32:39 GMT

Nattering on about this and that will accomplish nothing. You have to get motivated and move into fast forward if you want to be successful. Don't make changes to something that works perfectly well the way it is.

Yesterday.

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 21:27:03 GMT

Don't get carried away by what everyone around you is doing. Have the confidence to stand up and show everyone what you've been up to. The response you get should prove that you are quite capable of doing your own thing well. 3 stars